


The Holiday

by Girlobsessed21



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, I'm Bad At Tagging, Plot, References to Depression, Talk to me if you wanna know, There is one tag I'm not adding to avoid spoiling plot, Trust Issues, if you feel like crying, read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-03-02 18:02:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18816157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlobsessed21/pseuds/Girlobsessed21
Summary: Clarke struggles with her father's sudden death. When she discovers an online competition to win a holiday to the Greek Islands, she sees it as the perfect way to fulfill his dying wish.Bellamy's mom has a few months left to live. Taking her to Greece, the origin of all her bedtime stories, seems like a fitting end, so he enters as well.The two of them find comfort in sharing their grief with a stranger online who understands. Only, Clarke is no stranger to Bellamy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this was supposed to be a short story which turned into a multichapter fic.

Clarke scrolls through her Twitter feed. Nothing of interest. As usual. The bright rays threaten through the navy, drawn curtains of her bedroom. To win the game of hide-and-seek she has been playing with the sun, she pulls the blanket over her head. The sweat odors hit her. She has not seen the inside of a shower for days.

A knock comes from the door. Clarke ignores it.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice comes through the wooden barrier. The knob turns and the door opens. “Baby, please talk to me. I wanna help.”

“Just go away!” she shouts.

“Clarke, I’m not leaving until you get everything off your chest.” Her girlfriend’s face wears that determined, stoic expression when she pulls the blanket down. “I’m worried about you. Your mom says you won’t eat or sleep or leave this bed.”

“Just go, I don’t wanna see anyone.”

“Told you, I’m not leaving.”

Clarke keeps her face blank. She feels nothing anymore. Inside, she is empty. Even this beautiful girl in front of her who she loves has morphed into a stranger. “Then you’ll be sitting for a long time. Ask my mom, she’s done it for five days.”

Her threats all but deter Lexa. Instead of begging she holds her tight, strokes her hair. “I love you and I miss you. I think it’s time to go and see someone.”

Clarke closes her eyes but sleep won’t come. When it does, all she sees is her father, bathed in blood, telling her goodbye. So, she avoids it. The surrounding arms do nothing. What should be a comfort feels like a burden. Her mother can’t bring him back. Lexa can’t bring him back. No-one can wake her from the timeless loop of a nightmare that is Jake Griffin’s death.

Eventually, Lexa leaves. Clarke picks up her phone again to look at pictures on his Facebook page. She tried to get her dad to sign up for other forms of social media, but he said he only posts pictures of them for the family and all of them have Facebook.

She goes through all her apps in a desperate search of a distraction. The scrolling is pointless. Her eyes are more fixed on the bright green walls covered in art and photos. The room doesn’t belong to her; The owner is a bright, smiling blonde. That girl died with her dad. Her attention drifts back to Twitter. A paid ad catches her eye.

Seven nights and seven days, all expenses paid trip to the Blue Palace resort in the Greek Islands for one lucky winner who retweets and comments with the best reason to win.

_“Scatter my ashes over the ocean. Take care of your mother. I love you, so much.” Were the last words he croaked._

_“Dad, no. I’ll get you out. Just hold on.”_

_His eyes closed. Through the patches of oozing red, his face was pale, covered in sweat. His pulse weakened as Clarke scurried to pull him from the wreckage. The blurry signs of life vanished when help arrived. They were too late._

Clarke swallowed her pride and commented on the post.

_My dad’s dying wish, a week ago, was to scatter his remnants over the deep-sea. There’s no place more beautiful than the Greek shoreline. I can see him sitting in the morning breeze on your hotel’s balcony, sipping coffee and reading the news. Please fulfill his final dream._

She retweets as per the instructions and buries the slither of hope for winning far away. Dragging a clean sheet of paper and pencil from her desk drawer, she draws the last image she has of him.

******************************

Bellamy has been in love with Clarke Griffin since she ascended the high school steps on her first day as a freshman. She doesn’t even know of his existence. Girls like her paid no attention to boys like him. He may have been stalking her ever since, yet she has no idea.

They only attended the same school for one year before he moved away to college on a scholarship. He still sees her occasionally, when he’s home and drops Octavia off at a party. She’s all grown up now, still carries herself with that same confidence, her eyes like sapphires when she smiles. As far as his knowledge goes, Octavia’s not friends with her; she calls her a snob.

He’s never seen her in that light. To him, the rich girl, student body president, beauty queen, is a facade. On that first day, a “tough” guy tortured a smaller boy. Clarke threw herself into the line of fire by asking the bully to take her on instead. Once she scared the tyrant away, she helped him with all his belongings and befriended him.

Everyone said it was her claim to fame in the school, but Bellamy saw the empathy for the boy all over her face. She didn’t need a dramatic incident to gain popularity; her reputation was known to everyone days ahead of her. It was a given that she would become the school’s princess. She was Dr. Abigail and Jake Griffin’s only daughter.

Yes, Bellamy envied her. She had everything, and they had little. But she wasn’t like the other blonde bombshell cheerleaders. No, she was Clarke. Perhaps he had always placed her on a too high pedestal. Except for stalking her on social media and sometimes other places, he didn’t know her. At all.

Although she was a jewel in the middle of the museum, only allowed to be watched from afar, he compared every girl he met to her. This is also the reason he is still single. Everyone else is always a lap or more behind.

Right now, he doesn’t have time to dwell on the “what if’s” and the “maybe’s” in the world while he waits for his mother to come out of the doctor’s room. He knows it won’t be good news; she’s had it before, but this time it’s worse.

“Mr. Blake.” The doctor’s head peaks out of his office. “You can come in now.”

He locks his phone and follows the doctor with dread. His mother’s hand stretches out to him as he occupies the seat next to her.

Doctor Jackson gets right to the point. “I’m afraid there’s not much we can do without treatment, which your mother is refusing.”

It’s exactly what Bellamy expected. She is done fighting cancer, the chemo and radiation therapy reduces her standard of life. She’s accepted her fate and he won’t take that away from her - even when he hasn’t.

The doctor must notice his unspoken question. “We can prescribe some pain medication, but without treatment, I give it a year at the most. It’s spreading.”

“Doctor.” His mother speaks up. “I appreciate your concerns, but I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m dying. I would like to spend my last months with my children. Enjoy it while I’m still here.”

Wordlessly, the doctor nods. Bellamy feels the lump in his throat expanding. Somehow, he finds strength in the feeble squeeze of her hand. He has to be strong for her and Octavia. Even when he doesn’t agree with her decision, he has no right to argue with it. Because she’s his mother, and she wants to _live_ the last months of her life.

There are a lot of things he can do to increase both the quality and quantity of her time left with them. A proper and healthy diet, such as fresh fruits and vegetables. Regular walks on good days. Perhaps some special brownies. Bellamy read a lot of articles pertaining to the health privileges of marijuana for cancer. It’s inevitable that she’ll be taken from them, especially since she insists on working, but he’ll try everything in his power to extend the inevitability.

After greeting the doctor, they make their way to the car. “Thank you,” Aurora says. “For not trying to convince me otherwise.”

He nods. The words lingering right behind his pursed lips go unspoken. _Can’t we at least try another surgery? I’ll be there for you through it all. The doctor seems to think he can help you again._ To keep them from spilling out, he clenches his jaw and sighs, defeated. “I love you, Mom.”

“Oh, honey, I love you too.”

“We have to tell O.” He starts the engine.

“We will, tonight.”

Their trip home is quiet, save for the soft music in the background. Aurora stares out the window, her lips tucking slightly upward with what he knows are fond memories of the places they pass. That same happiness doesn’t reach him. His eyes sting with tears he refuses to shed.

Octavia is on the front porch steps as they enter the driveway. Rolo has his head in her lap while she pets him. She doesn’t get up, but Rolo nearly knocks him out in greeting. The dog moans quietly, and his ears fall flat when Bellamy helps his mother out of the car. He already knows, the St. Bernard has been a part of their family for so long, nothing gets by him.

“So it’s bad news, huh?” Octavia reads Rolo’s signals.

“Afraid so,” he says, adding nothing more. He’s not looking forward to the tantrum when she finds out their mother is refusing treatment. Octavia is a whirlwind on a good day, who knows what she’ll do when she gets this news.

After putting his mom to bed with herbal tea, Bellamy slumps to his bedroom. When he turns on the laptop, Clarke’s photo greets him. Right, he’s a creep. His background photo is one of a girl he’s never spoken a word to. In their town, she’s a celebrity. He heard about her father’s death and wanted to reach out to offer his condolences, but then he would be just another “fan”. Which he is, something he wants to rectify soon.

When he sees her at the mall, or a restaurant, or the lake, he wants to walk up and introduce himself. Spends five minutes preparing a speech, something that would make a lasting impression, not some cheesy pickup line, yet his feet always encounters a barrier 50 feet away from her. They’ve maybe made eye contact once, but that was the closest they’ve ever gotten.

He opens social media; there haven’t been posts from her lately, which has him worried. Clarke used to love posting before the incident. When he scrolls through Twitter, there’s an actual tweet. It’s weird, not her usual inspirational quotes, photos, or updates on her charity events. No, there’s a comment on a competition for a trip to the Greek Islands.

Bellamy does not understand why Clarke would have to win a competition to go to Greece. They have more money than the whole town combined. Her words speak to him though. He then reads the rules. His fingers hesitate on the mouse but finally goes for it. Aurora has always wanted to go to. She used to tell them stories about Greek Mythology growing up. If there was a way to take her before the end, he couldn’t let it slip through his fingers.

_My mother found out this morning that her breast cancer had returned. Stage III. She has always been a Greek mythology enthusiast and would love to spend the last of her days on the beautiful beaches of this magnificent country that has held her heart since she was a girl. As a college student, I have no other way of making this happen for her except with your help. Thank you for this opportunity._

He has a lot more to say, but that should do it. The rest of the rules are easy, retweet, and follow the page. Not that he has a lot of followers; The only reason he really has social media is to check up on his sister and Clarke while away at college. Gina liked to post things of them together while they were still a couple, but other than that he hardly ever contributes.

Two seconds later, a notification pops up. @clarkegriffin liked your comment. And then another. @clarkegriffin replied to your comment. _I’m sorry to hear about your mom, that is so sad, I hope you win._

 _She knows me,_ he thought before reading the reply again. Then his eye catches his original tweet. He accidentally replied to her comment, tagging her in the reply. _Idiot._ Before dismay stops his eager fingers, he likes and replies: _I’m sorry about your dad too. Looks like we have something in common. DM me if you ever wanna talk._

Now she probably thinks he is a stalker. _DM me if you ever wanna talk._ Who says that to a complete stranger? Those senseless words just ruined his chances of having any relationship with her. The possibility only existed in dreams anyway; she doesn’t know who @h1storynerd is. His profile picture is a photo of Spongebob, his favorite cartoon as a kid.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on?” Octavia appears in the doorway.

His heart nearly stops as he slams the laptop screen shut. “She’ll tell you herself, at dinner.”

“Were you watching porn?”

Watching porn is better than admitting he’s stalking one of her classmates. “None of your business.”

“Fine, be like that.” She stomps away.

Ignoring her, he scurries down the stairs to prepare dinner. There’s not much in the fridge or pantry, so he settles on Mac and cheese. The atmosphere is dense and eerie when they sit down to eat at the limp, tiny kitchen table. Everyone picking at their food with a fork.

“Will someone please tell me what’s going on?” Octavia finally yells.

“O,” he warns.

“It’s fine Bell,” Aurora touches his shoulder.

Bellamy’s phone beeps. When he picks it up to switch to silent, the smile is automatic. It’s Clarke. An actual DM from Clarke.

“Are you and Gina back together?” Octavia coos.

“No!”

“Well,” his mother chimes in. “That face can only be because of a girl. Or a boy,” she shrugs to let him know she doesn’t care which way he swings.

“It’s just a random person I’m talking to online.” His mother is about to protest when he adds. “It’s safe, none of my info is visible, not even my name. It’s not important. You should talk to O.”

Aurora nods and turns to her daughter. “Octavia, the cancer is back.”

Her mouth drops, her eyes boring into her food. “I know that part.”

Bellamy grinds his teeth together. He’s not looking forward to the next part of the conversation.

“I’ve decided not to go for any further treatments. The radiation and chemotherapy is hell. I can’t go through that again.”

Octavia looks up with wide and wild eyes like their mother just pointed a gun at her. “But Mom, then you won’t get better.”

With a quick shake of her head, Aurora says, “No, it’s already spreading. I only have a few months left.”

“What? No!” She gets up. “You’re just gonna give up. What about us, huh? What happens to me and Bell?”

“I’ll spend as much time with you as I can this summer. You’re going off to college with Bell. I’ve made sure you’ll be okay financially. Bellamy’s still got his job.”

Tears slip down his sister’s cheek while she paces the kitchen. “You didn’t even ask us. Don’t you want to see us graduate? Who’s gonna be there when I get married? Who will help me with my first baby? Not you because you choose the coward's way.”

“O, that’s enough!” Bellamy shouts.

“O.” Aurora pulls Octavia’s arm to reel her in for a hug. “I understand you feel this way, but it’s spreading. Even if they do another surgery, we have no guarantees and the side effects of those treatments, that’s not living. I wanna enjoy the last of the time I have with you. This is as hard for me as it is for you.” Her eyes are now brimming with tears too. “I don’t wanna leave you, but one of you will have to take care of me and that means no college.”

Octavia’s body shakes with sobs as she holds their mother. The intensity is overwhelming. Bellamy doesn’t realize how close he is to crying until a stray tear emits. He throws his arms around both of them, trying to absorb their pain. Unfair is not a strong enough word to describe the agony his family has had to face over the years.

They stand in their group hug for another couple of minutes. Even Rolo joins in. None of them willing to let go until his phone beeps again. He checks it, it’s Clarke, again.

“O, I cooked, you can clean.”

“Your girlfriend looking for you,” she jokes through her red puffy eyes.

Pulling a face, he retreats to his bedroom to read what the girl of his dreams has to say.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Not sure if you were serious, but if your offer stands, I’d like to take you up on it. No-one understands the pain, but I think you might and you don’t know me so I can hide behind the stranger cloak. I mean you can talk to me too. If you want._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Sorry for coming on so strong, but I’m a mess right now and although I have lots of people around trying to console me, they expect me to be the old, positive me and I’m not her, not anymore. Not sure I ever was._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Guess you were just being polite. Sorry for bothering you._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _No, I was serious. Sorry, I just had dinner with my mom and my sister. My mom told my sister the news. It did not go well._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Oh, hey. Sorry to hear that. So I guess there’s nothing they can do for her?_

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _No, there is. But they can’t be sure it will work and she doesn’t want to go through the treatment again. What happened to your dad?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _He fetched me from a party. A drunk driver drove into his side of the car. He died right in front of my eyes._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Wow, that’s awful. Were you close?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _He was my best friend._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Ouch. So, you wanna be online best friends? Like grieving anonymous?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _No specifics. No locations. No pictures._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _None whatsoever._

This arrangement fits Bellamy perfectly. She’ll never know who he is. He can be her broad shoulder, make sure she’s okay and have someone to vent to when things get tough for him.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _What are you wearing? Just kidding. You and your mom close?_

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Quite yeah. She works a lot and I’m away at college, so we don’t see each other that often, but I’m home for the summer now. If you’re cracking jokes, does that mean you’re already feeling better?_

The reply doesn’t come immediately. Bellamy takes a shower while he waits. Anticipation is daunting. He replays the text in his mind under the steaming spray, trying to figure out if he said something wrong. She said no specifics. Maybe him being away at college and home for the summer was too particular. He practically runs back to his room to find Rolo barking at the vibrating phone on the bed.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _You’re basically the first person I’ve really spoken to about any of this. It feels nice._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _??_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Tell me if I’m annoying or overbearing._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Okay, I get it._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Just took a shower. I thought you were gone for a moment there too._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I sound desperate, right?_

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Maybe a little. I’m cool with that._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Stranger Cloak. I don’t care what you think since you don’t know me._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I guess you feel like Harry Potter in his invisibility cloak. But you do realize I can see your profile right?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Yeah, smt like that. That’s not me, it’s just some girl I used to know._

At that, Bellamy knows he’s always been right about the crown on her head being for show. Deep down there’s a girl aching to be freed. One willing to talk to random strangers on the Internet because no one else in her life understands her. That’s his girl. The real one. And then the barrier he could never cross makes sense. They were always meant to meet this way.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _This is good. I like this._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Me too._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. Life's been a bit hectic. I promise I'll get the next chapter out next week.

Chapter 2

When Clarke opens her eyes, Abby stands cross-armed in front of her bed. _What does she want?_ The curtains are open; the bright rays of morning sun feel like tentacles around her neck. She wants to immerse in a pool of darkness until the constant ache in her chest subsides. Until the memory fades to grey and nothingness. She cannot face the world or any of its beauty and joy.

“You can’t go on like this,” her mother says, pulling the blankets off.

Despite the temperature, Clarke feels cold and bare by the sudden deprivation.

“You’re going to see a therapist. Today.”

“Mom,” Clarke whines as she tries to retrieve her amenity from Abby’s hands. “We’ve talked about this. I’m not going out. I don’t want to see anyone. I just need some time.”

“Honey,” Abby brushes a hand along Clarke’s cheek. “This is not healthy. You’re grieving, I understand that but you have to start facing it, start living again.”

Clarke pulls her face away, unwilling to cooperate. “That’s easy for you to say. You basically didn’t even live here anymore. You were always working while he took care of me. I bet the only loss you’re feeling is that you have no more baby sitter.”

Her mother looks away. “That’s not fair. You know I loved your father. Very much. And I’m worried about you. So are Lexa and your friends.”

“Sorry.” She dips her head in shame. “That was uncalled for. I know. I just… I don’t even know who I am anymore? I used to be happy, and now, I feel so lost.”

“That’s why you need to go see a therapist and spend some time with your friends.”

“I don’t want to see a therapist. I want to go on holiday. Dad asked me to scatter his ashes over the ocean. So yesterday…” She purses her lips. “Never mind, it’s silly. I’ll go see the therapist.”

Abby gives a narrow-eyed stare. “You won’t even leave your bed. Now you want to go on holiday?”

“Somewhere far away from here, where I can feel him again. But like I said, it’s silly.”

Her mother’s face remains skeptical as she absorbs what Clarke just told her. “It’s not silly. Let’s do it.”

“Are you serious?” Clarke’s face lights up for the first time in days. “We can go scatter Dad’s ashes?”

Half-smiling, Abby nods. “I’m fully booked for the next two weeks, but I’ll shift some appointments after that. Will you make the arrangements?”

“Yes!” She throws her arms around her mother’s neck. “He loved the ocean. Thanks, Mom.”

“You’re still going to the therapist.”

“Uh-huh.” She will do anything to fulfill her dad’s dying wish.

******************************

After a much-needed shower and breakfast, Clarke sits in the waiting room. The phycologist is already ten minutes late, and she’s losing her patience. Jaded, she flips through a magazine before checking in with her new Twitter friend.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Hey, what you up to? My mom’s dragged me to a shrink and now I have to wait._

When her reply is almost instant, Clarke’s pleased with the girl’s eager to continue their conversation.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I’m hurt. Thought I was supposed to be your therapist?_

Her humor makes Clarke chuckle. They stayed up chatting until the early hours of the morning. At first, it was only about her grief and Historynerd’s mom. Later, the conversation turned to Game of Thrones and Harry Potter. Talking to her was easy. She had no idea what prompted her to chat with the girl in the first place. Maybe the familiarity of losing a parent. Boredom? Maybe the idea of talking to someone who doesn’t know her at all.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Can’t exactly tell my mom that. I have no idea what to say to this person._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Tell her what you told me._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _No way, invisibility cloak remember._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _It might be good for you to get the hurt off your chest._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I already did, I spoke to you. And I think it helped. I mean I actually got out of bed today._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Don’t lie. Your mom dragged you out of bed. How does she cope with things?_

Clarke is not sure how her mother recommences her life like nothing has happened. What she told her earlier wasn’t unsullied. Although her mother worked a lot, she did always make time for them. And her dad worked a considerable amount too, he was just home more often.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _True. I’m not sure how my mom does it. She works, but she’s always done that._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Am I allowed to ask if they were still together?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Yeah, they were. What about your dad? You haven’t mentioned him._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _That’s because I don’t know him. Whenever I asked, my mom just said he’s not important._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Poor thing, so you’ll have no parents once she’s gone. I’m so sorry. What about your sister? How is she doing with this?_

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Not so great. She’s locked herself in her room. Got the music on full blast but I can still hear her crying. My mom says we should give her time._

“Miss Griffin,” Dr. Tsing smiles at her. “You can come in now.”

Clarke gives a slight nod before typing her reply.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Gtg. Chat later_

“Please, take a seat.” The doctor gestures towards a typical black therapy couch. Two soft leather chairs on the opposite side and a pristine cherry-wood desk behind it. Her office is small and intimate. A little light peers through the openings in the blinds. Bright contemporary art and Ivy League Certificates decorate the white walls.

With an uncomfortable smile, Clarke obeys. They gaze at each other for a few moments, before Dr. Tsing prompts, “So, tell me how you are feeling?”

_You know exactly how I feel._ Either her mom told her or she read it somewhere. “Like I don’t really wanna be here.”

“Uh-huh and where would you like to be?”

“Watching movies and eating popcorn with my dad.”

The Asian woman writes something down and then looks up. “In reality?”

Clarke doesn’t know the answer to that. “Anywhere but here.”

Unperturbed by her disinclination, the therapist continues. “Okay, what have you done for the last few days?”

“Not much.”

“What does that entail?”

Involuntarily, Clarke scoffs. _What kind of question is that?_ “I lay in bed, checked social media, mostly my dad’s photos. Read a few unhelpful articles.”

“What about?” Dr. Tsing asks abruptly.

“Mostly about death. And how to avoid…” She stopped short, knowing the doctor will dig deeper if she mentions the nightmare. Instead, she goes with, “Period pains.”

“I see.” Her smile suggests she does not buy it. “What did you find out about death?”

“There was a lot of info about Religion. My father wasn’t religious, which I now think might have been a mistake. I considered going to church, maybe.” It’s only an idea. The features prickled her curiosity though.

The doctor nods. “That might be good for you. Anything else that caught your eye?”

“I entered a competition.”

“What competition?”

“To win a holiday.”

Dr. Tsing’s face resembles her mother’s when she told her this morning. “Why?”

“Well.” She doesn’t feel comfortable discussing it, but the topic is easier than the depression and the dreams. “My dad, he loved to travel. We watched Mamma Mia together when I was younger and he told me Greece has some of the most beautiful beaches you’ll ever find. He went there one summer after college and he promised to take me someday, but…”

“You never got round to it. That would be good for you too. Unfortunately, the chances of winning competitions like those are almost as slim as winning the lottery.”

She knows that entering was more to keep herself occupied than anything else. “My mom’s taking me.”

“That’s amazing. I hope that restores your spirit.”

The minute lever crawls by slower than a tortoise. And the whole session is torture. Dr. Tsing asks personal questions she does not want to answer, and Clarke responds with as little information as possible. When the hour is up, she almost runs to the car. There’s a message from Lexa when she opens her phone.

**Lexa:** Clarke, I’m really worried about you. Talk to me, please.

**Clarke:** I had a therapist appointment. Wanna meet for coffee at Grounders?

**Lexa:** You do not understand how good it feels to hear that. Meet you in 15?

**Clarke:** Sounds good.

The excitement she usually felt when going on a date with her girlfriend doesn’t come. She realizes she’s broken inside. Her heart was ripped from her chest, taking her ability to live and love with it.

She takes a seat at their usual booth in the back corner when she arrives. Since she’s early, Lexa’s not there yet. Clarke takes out her phone and mindlessly makes her way to the DM’s on Twitter.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _That was horrible. I’m waiting for my girlfriend, but I’m early and have some time to kill._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _How does that make you feel?_ _J_ _Bet you heard that a lot._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Actually not once._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Huh, thought it was drilled into them in college._

Clarke giggles at that. Lexa arrives and leans down to kiss her. “Hey, babe. Glad to see you in a good mood.”

“Yeah, I’m feeling a bit better.”

“Did the therapist help?” she asks as she takes a seat across from her.

Clarke shakes her head. “No, actually it’s someone I’ve been talking to. An online friend.”

Lexa blinks in astonishment. “A what now?”

“We entered the same competition. Her mom has cancer and my dad died, so we kind of bonded over our tragedies.”

Her girlfriend swallows hard with eyes wider than mars. The expression she wears when she’s hurt. “I have been trying to get you to talk to me for days. I’ve cried with you, reached out, sat with you, held you, texted, called, you name it, and you open up to a complete stranger?”

Taken aback, the blonde frowns. “It’s the same as talking to a therapist. We actually have an inside joke that she is my therapist.”

“Clarke,” she shakes her head. “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry, apart from grieving my father, absolutely nothing.” She did not see the problem, there was someone she could talk to that related. Someone that helped.

“Do you know how much you’ve texted me over the last week?”

Realizing the rhetorical question, Clarke waits for her to continue.

“Three times.” She holds up the fingers to stress. “How many times have you talked to this person?”

“Well, um… A lot but I needed it and I feel slightly better and things might slowly return to normal.”

Lexa sits back in her seat, dropping her face to the menu on the table. “We used to do that. I wanted to be that person for you.”

Clarke didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, far from it. The reason she invited her for coffee was to mend their distance. “I’m sorry. I don’t feel like Clarke Griffin anymore. It feels like there’s an alien inside my brain. My body functions, but a machine is pumping my heart because it no longer exists.” She takes her hand. “You have nothing to be jealous of or worried about. We agreed not to share any pictures or specifics.”

“Then why do I feel so betrayed? I understand what you’re going through-“

“No, you don’t,” Clarke cuts in. “That’s the point.”

“This might be the worst time to do this, but I think we need a break.” Lexa slides out of the booth. “I feel like I’m the only one trying here.”

This time Clarke’s eyes flutter with surprise. “What? Lexa, no. We can work on this. If you want me to stop talking to this person, fine. I will.”

Lexa throws her bag over her shoulder. “I think _you_ need some time to figure things out, to heal. I’ll be right here when you have.”

She wants to object, to stop her, to wipe the tears from her eyes, only she’s right. Clarke does need to reconcile and rebuild herself before she can focus on other relationships. Everything’s changed since that night and holding Lexa on a string isn’t fair to either of them. Moisture threatens in her eyes as she watches her first love walk away. Sobbing, she sinks to the table. Clarke never intended to hurt her.

Without ordering, she plods to the car, eager to crawl back into her dark hole. More heartbroken, if that’s possible. After a hazy trip home, she slams the front behind her and sprints up the stairs. The butterfly that has sluggishly emerged, disappears back into its cocoon.

When an hour of tears has passed, she checks her phone to find a text from her mother about dinner, but food is the last thing on her mind right now. Ignoring it, she opens the message from Historynerd.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Okay, I assume your girlfriend has arrived. Have fun, talk to you later._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I just got dumped._

This time her reply is not immediate. Clarke pulls her laptop from the desk, opens Netflix _,_ searches for the worst horror, and settles on the Open House. Nothing can be worse than the nightmares she has to endure. When her phones beeps twenty minutes into the movie, Clarke’s heart leaps hoping Lexa has changed her mind. But it’s not her.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I mean no offense, but what kind of person breaks up with someone right after their dad died?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _She’s amazing, but she thinks I’m not in the right mind space to be in a relationship right now._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Is she right?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I have been avoiding her. Maybe she is._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _How long were you together?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _A little over three months. She’s the first person I’ve ever loved._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I’m so sorry. Why did you avoid her though?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I avoided everyone. I just couldn’t stand hearing and seeing their sympathy when they don’t understand what I’m going through. And I don’t feel like myself anymore._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _You’ve said that a few times. What do you mean?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I used to be this bright-smiling, cheery person. Always game for anything. I used to feel like I could conquer Everest. Now I’m the epitome of depression._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _It’s called grief. You’ll get through it and return to normal._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Will I? Because my father used to be a big reason for who I was. He packed my lunch with inspirational quotes. He brought me coffee with a joke or a pep talk every morning. And it’s gone._

Fresh waterworks flood her face as all the memories of her dad flashes through her mind like an old movie. She’ll never have that again. He’ll never enter her room with a horrible opera song. Or make her feel better with a hypothetical story after a bad day.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _It might not happen right now or even in the near future. But it will eventually._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _It feels like I have no more heart. The small part still left evaporated today._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I know what you mean. Every time I look at my mom, it seems like my heart breaks. I take random videos without her knowing, just so I can look at her when she’s no longer around._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _That’s a great idea. You’re lucky that you get a warning._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Not really. I wake up every morning with the realization that today could be that day._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _You can’t think like that. Turn it around: Today will not be that day. And if you need reminding, I’m here._

Talking to her new gal pal helped more than the revulsion on her screen. The pain didn’t subside; it merely became bearable with the diversion. Helping her in return was a bonus.

******************************

Over the last week, Bellamy’s chats with Clarke have become his favorite part of the day. His mother’s health was declining fast. She tries to live her life like normal, but sometimes she can’t even get out of bed. Unfortunately, today is one of those days.

“Bell,” Octavia says while making popcorn. “How long do you think we have?”

Raking a hand through his hair, he says, “I don’t know.” It was the truth. Occasionally he thought it may be a couple of months, other times, months turned to weeks or days. “Let’s just make the best of what we have.”

Octavia nods as she transfers the popcorn from the pot to a bowl. They walk to his mother’s room in silence. Both lost in thoughts of their impending loss. 

“Mom,” he calls, knocking once.

“Come in, Bell,” she rasps.

He pushes the door open and Octavia shoves past him. “Hey, we thought we could watch some movies, you feeling up to it?” she asks.

“Yes, that would be great.” His mother sits up while her facial features depict every bit of her pain.

“Are you sure?” Bellamy asks.

“I’d love that.” Her smile drowns out all the pallor.

Giddy, Octavia leaves to fetch her laptop while he takes a seat next to his mom on the bed. Aurora takes his hand in hers. “She’s gonna need you.”

“I know.”

“You have to take care of each other.”

“I know.” He didn’t allow himself to drift to that time, yet his mother thought it necessary.

“I’m sorry for putting the responsibility on you, but you are such a strong and amazing young man, and I’m so proud of you.”

“Mom.” The blush creeps up his neck and onto his face. “Stop, please.”

With a struggle, she cups his cheek. “Now is as good a time as any.” Octavia comes back, laptop in hand. “O, when I’m no longer here, please don’t make things hard for your brother. Be there for each other to confide and console.”

Bellamy expects her to cry or argue, but she pulls her phone out, gets in between them and yells, “Smile.” Then, she finds a classic and the three of them cuddle up to indulge in The Princess Bride. A net of love and contentment spanning around them.

His phone vibrates with what he expects should be a DM from Clarke. Only it’s something unexpected. He reads it three times to ensure he’s clear on the contents. “Holy Shit!” He wipes the bead of sweat from his forehead.

Octavia rolls her eyes. “Bell, is your girlfriend more important than this?”

“It’s not her, pause.”

Both of them frown, their faces pleading for a clarification. “So, a week ago, there was this competition on Twitter I entered. For an all-expenses-paid holiday to the Greek Islands and I just won.”

“What?” Octavia screams. “Are you serious?” He hands her the phone to confirm/deny his possible delusion. “Yup, there it is right there. Congratulations to @h1storynerd for winning a 7day all-expenses-paid trip to the Blue Palace Resort in the Greek Islands, here’s a rehash of his entry.”

She reads his original tweet. With disbelief, his mother’s eyes shoot up. “You did this for me, Bell?”

Bellamy’s mouth curves into a crooked smile. “Well yeah, but I never in a million years thought I’d actually win.”

Aurora leans over Octavia and envelops him in her arms. “You’re the best son any mother could ask for.”

“Mom.” He lowers his head to hide the red in his cheeks. “The two of you should go. I’ll stay here.”

“No,” Octavia barks. “You did this. You should take Mom.”

“I can’t leave you here.”

“Bellamy,” Aurora chimes in. “O’s right, you entered, you won, and you deserve to go. Octavia can stay with Niylah for a week.”

Rapidly shaking his head, he says, “I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you while we’re there and O’s not around to say goodbye.”

“Bell.” She pulls him in for a hug. “I’ll say goodbye before you go, just in case. I’ll be fine if you promise to Skype me every day.”

Leaving his sister behind did not sit well with him, yet there was no way to win the argument. With reluctance, he agrees. While they watch the rest of the movie, he reads all the info they sent him. Given the circumstances, they advanced the dates to a week from now. A message from Clarke lures his thoughts from the terms and conditions.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _So I took your advice and went to the mall with a friend today. It felt strangely comforting._

He wants to share the excitement with Clarke. She’ll be happy for him, but it also means she’s lost her chance to go. Neither one of them ever had the idea of winning, they never even mentioned it. Entering was a senseless fantasy.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I’m glad. Did you buy something significant?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Nah. I bought a dress I’ll probably never get the opportunity to wear._

As his mind drifts to Clarke in a beautiful dress, he makes a decision. The moment he gets back, he’ll tell her the truth. Even it means getting shunned from her life. He’s kept the charade up long enough. No matter how slight the chance of her understanding, he could be a part of her life for real.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I bet you’ll look beautiful in it._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Was that flirting? Or just an observation._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Which do you prefer?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _We had rules._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _If we had none, which would you prefer?_

She doesn’t reply for hours and he’s afraid he’s broken a rule and overstepped a boundary. Her profile picture is a photo of her with that sparkling smile. She never changed it. They agreed on no photos but she must have forgotten that detail. When his phone beeps with her DM, the photo has changed to an artwork.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I don’t wanna lose you too._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I’m sorry for breaking the rules._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _It’s not just you. I wanted to say flirting._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Maybe it’s for the best if we stop talking. I’ve grown fond of you._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Me too. Can I be selfish and ask you to stay?_

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Can I be selfish and say I will?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _This is getting dangerous. I had an awesome time today, but I couldn’t wait to get back and talk to you._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Same. What do you propose?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Let’s take a two-day break._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Okay._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Okay. Talk to you in two days. Bye._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I’m gonna miss you. Bye._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter or Tumblr @girlobsessed21.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry once again for the long wait. I got a little busy with the Beliza wedding gift donation and video. Won't make any promises again. Hope you enjoy.

Clarke didn’t realize how much talking to Historynerd aided her mental health until she found herself back in the depression chokehold during the two-day silence. The aching returned with full force and since she pushed Lexa away, there was no-one to talk to. No obstruction or hindrance, only pain.

When the dreadful 48 hours finally passed, she couldn’t get to her phone fast enough. But her online friend was faster.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Is it safe to talk again? Please say it is?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _It’s safe. How have you been?_

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Good, actually. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my mom and sister. They’ve increased her meds. She’s better. How bout you?_

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _That’s great. I can’t say the same. My mom’s at the office all day. We’re going away for a few days, so she’s working more than usual to get everything done. I’ve been drowning in self-pity._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _I’m sorry. But I have an idea. Make yourself some chamomile tea, take a long, relaxing bath. And when you’re done, we’ll watch a movie together._

_Watch a movie together?_ That is something they haven’t done before. Sure, they talked about movies and series often; never watched one simultaneously. Although it wouldn’t technically be together, they would watch at the same time and share their thoughts and feelings. The girl had such a talent for pulling her out of a dark pit with nothing but a dingy old rope.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Sounds great. What do you wanna watch?_

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Pick one, voted a must-see that you’ve never seen._

Clarke digs deep into her mind, seeking one out.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I’ve never seen ET._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _What? There’s a hole in your upbringing. ET it is._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Okay, I’ll let you know when I’m ready._

She has never quite understood the expression absence makes the heart grow fonder until now. Their time apart brought them closer. Halfway through the movie, they discarded it and discussed everything else. And the conversation became deeper and more consistent with each hour and each day that passed after that. Letting the other in on every part of their lives. Even if it moves towards abnormal codependency territory, Clarke doesn’t care. She is the one thing keeping her sane.

They sustain their boundaries. No specifics. No details. No pictures. Yet a part of Clarke longs to see her in person and she knows Historynerd won’t object, but they could be in different countries, let alone states or cities.

“You ready?” Abby walks in with her luggage in hand, drawing Clarke from her thoughts.

Clarke struggles to zip the last overfilled bag. “Yes, if I can get this closed.”

Her mother crosses the room and holds it in place. “Well, I can’t wait for this. Cocktails on the beach, coffee in the morning overlooking the ocean.”

“Mom,” Clarke admonishes. “No work, you promised.”

Abby frowns. “Now where in that sentence did I refer to work?”

“Just making sure.”

“I promise, honey. Now let’s get to the airport before we miss our flight.” She pushes Clarke’s shoulder gently in the door’s direction.

The excitement piles up as they get in the Uber. Clarke clings to the ashes in her lap, knowing they will set her dad free into wild breeze and vastness of the Mediterranean soon.

“If you squeeze too tight you might break it,” Abby jokes.

Clarke smiles at her mother’s meager attempt at sarcasm. Nothing can fumble with her mood. She hasn’t felt this energetic in a long time and refuses to let anything ruin it. Half an hour later they arrive at the airport. Not even the long and tedious check-in and customs deter her spirits.

Beaming, she makes her way toward the boarding desk. Desperate to tell Historynerd about her joy, she digs for the phone in her pocket while the other hand clutches her father’s remnants.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _This trip we’re taking has me in such a good mood. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this._

To keep from crossing any limits, she keeps referring to their Greece holiday as a trip. Her friend probably assumes they’re going camping in nearby mountains.

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Great. I’m sure happiness looks good on you._

Her reply brightens Clarke’s already cheerful face. With her head in the clouds and her eyes fixed on the phone, she stumbles straight into someone. When she looks up to survey her victim, a familiar face greets her, though she cannot place it. And it’s a handsome one as well. Dark curls surrounding a bronze freckled face with glinting amber eyes that display confusion more than annoyance.

“Sorry,” she apologizes.  “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Clarke?” Her name is a question rather than a statement.

“I’m gonna need some context, where do we know each other from?”

His Adam’s apple bob with a swallow, he looks down, and she struggles to grasp his expression.  It seems like a mixture of hurt and discomfort. When he doesn’t respond, Clarke concludes he may not remember either.

“I recognized you from the photo,” he finally says.

She frowns. “What photo?”

“On Twitter. I’m the person you’ve been talking to for the last few weeks.”

All the wheels in Clarke’s mind spin as the revelation settles in. Historynerd is not a girl? They’re from the same state. He’s here, right in front of her. Why? Did he follow or track her? Was their whole conversation based on a lie? “What are you doing here?”

His lips tug upward. “The competition. I won, I’m taking my mom.”

“You won?” Without thinking, she throws her arms around him. His warmth envelops her when he returns the hug and it lasts a few moments longer than necessary. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Rules remember. What about you?”

“We’re heading there too. I convinced my mom to take me anyway.” His lips part but no words come out. Then, she adds, “We’ll be together for a whole week.”

“I guess we will,” he agrees with a shy smile.

“I thought you were a girl,” Clarke admits.

Tilting his head to the side, he says, “Yeah, I figured with some of your responses. Is it bad I’m not?”

_No, I’m just so glad you’re real,_ she thinks. “Not at all.”

“Uh-hm,” Clarke’s mom interrupts behind her. “And who might this be?”

She turns to look at her. “Mom, this is my friend-“

To save her, he holds out his hand for Abby to shake. “Bellamy Blake. Pleased to meet you.”

“Abby Griffin.” She takes it with an uncanny mix of amiability and skepticism. “Clarke, we have to go.”

Clarke nods and then looks to Bellamy. “Well, guess I’ll see you there.”

“Yeah, guess you will.”

They part with hesitance, both glancing over their shoulders at the other as they walk in contrary directions. It feels surreal like she has a fairy godmother who granted all her wishes until midnight. The last look reveals him helping a woman, who she assumes is his mother, to her feet. The next twenty-four hours will feel like an eternity until she sees him again. She still can’t wrap her head around the fact that Historynerd is, in fact, a guy.

They follow the boarding gates, over the bridge and onto the plane. Before the airlines declare no cellphone usage, she sends him another DM.

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _I still can’t believe you’re real and here._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _Me too. A dream come true._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _For me too._

**_@h1storynerd:_ ** _See you in a day._

**_@clarkegriffin:_ ** _Can’t wait._

First class is comfortable and she can’t help but feel sorry for them back in economy class. Especially his mother, who is already sick.

“So,” her mother starts. “Who was that?”

“Bellamy?” Clarke can’t help the giddiness bouncing inside from spreading to her face. “A friend.”

“Who is he?”

Struggling to keep the truth from her mother, she settles on, “Someone I met recently. We’ve been texting. He helped me a lot with my depression.”

Unconvinced, her mother continues. “Is he the reason for your breakup with Lexa?”

Clarke fights the urge to roll her eyes. “No, Mom. I told you, she left me because she felt like I needed time to deal with stuff. But I sort of pushed her away.”

“Because of that boy?” Abby cocks an eyebrow.

“No. It has nothing to do with him.” Her chats with him were only the last straw.

She turns her head to look out the window. To her surprise, her mother doesn’t push the matter further. Clarke smiles as they take-off and the earth becomes smaller. Her heartbeats turn erratic knowing that a day from now they’ll be in Mykonos. She’ll have Bellamy by her side when she says goodbye for good.

******************************

Bellamy has to pinch himself when Clarke walks through the doors of the dining room. It’s her. She’s really here, wearing a short yellow sundress that ensures quite a few wandering eyes in the room. The smile she gives him on her way to the buffet table causes his heart to stop for a second - maybe more.

“Is that her?” his mother asks. During the flight, he explained the whole encounter to her with enthusiasm. Although now he regrets the decision.

Try as he might, the beam is automatic. “Yeah.”

“Wow, she’s beautiful.”

“Mom, it’s not like that.”

Ignoring his pleas to the contrary, she continues with her eyes darting to the blonde. “The way she’s looking over here suggests otherwise.”

“Do you always have to make me blush?” he asks, feeling the heat rise to his face.

Clarke walks over to them, a bowl filled with fruit and yogurt in hand. “May I join you,” she asks.

“Please,” Aurora gestures to the empty chair next to them.

“Sorry.” Clarke sits. “I didn’t mean to intrude. My mom’s sleeping in for once in her life and eating alone feels silly.”

“Nonsense.” Aurora brushes her off. “Besides, I’d like to get to know the girl that’s had my son in a haze for the last few weeks.”

Clarke’s cheeks turn a rosy pink and his own embarrassment causes a turn in his stomach. “The meds sometimes goes to her head,” he explains, trying to downplay his mother’s suggestions.

Her blue eyes sparkle as she laughs, and she smells enticingly of coconut. “So you weren’t in a haze? About me?” When she touches his hand, a jolt of electricity surges through him. There’s already something undeniable between them. It’s written all over her face. But she’s on the rebound after her breakup and a potbelly lie stands in the path of their happy ending.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Good,” she states with confidence, and there’s a deeper meaning hidden in the words. Bellamy’s not blind. Nor a tool. They’ve been open with each other, flirting, comforting, they’ve been each the other’s person. Now, they’re sitting face-to-face and it’s beyond enchanting. They can both feel the irresistible pull to be closer to the other.

During their chats, even when he could tell she wanted to meet him, she never knew how close he really was. In her mind, he could have been in any country. But he opened his big mouth and told her who he was the moment their paths crossed. The distance card was no longer available to play. She’ll want more. An actual real-life friendship and probably nothing when she learns the truth. To avoid ruining her holiday, he decides it best to tell her as soon as they get back. At least this way, he’ll always have this week.

After breakfast, Aurora gives them some time alone. She said to meet her in the lobby in an hour. Clarke looks to him. “Is this awkward?”

“Why?”

“I’ve been wanting this so much. But you seem uncertain.”

He looks down, hiding his weary expression. “What do you mean by _this_?”

“Being together in person. To me, it feels like fate.” The hope in her voice resembles a kid unwrapping his first gift on Christmas morning.

Only, it’s not fate at all. That tweet did not appear randomly in his timeline. He sought her out. Checked up on her. Stalked her every day for the last four years until he accidentally replied to _her_ comment instead of the original competition tweet. Perhaps the _accident_ was slightly inspired by destiny. Either way, he uses it as an excuse to make himself feel better. “I guess.”

Her face falters and the urge to punch himself grows. “I thought you would be more excited about this.”

“Hey, no, I am.” He grabs her hand in both of his. “I’m thrilled. I’ve been wanting to formally meet you for a long time.” And that was an absolute truth.

“That’s better. It doesn’t have to change anything if that’s what you’re worried about. We can still talk on the phone and text all the time. We’re both going to college in the fall and I’m not writing you off. I know it’s selfish but I need you.”

He nods, but he can almost say with certainty after this week they’ll never talk again. “Okay. Me too.”

Clarke’s eyes turn away from him. He follows her gaze to Abby, who is looking less than pleased with her daughter’s company. “She thinks you’re the reason my girlfriend broke up with me.”

“Am I?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I was in a bad place.”

Bellamy notices her use of past tense. “Was? As in no longer? Do you think you’ll get back together now?”

“I mean I’m still not great, but baby steps. And you’re a big part of that reason. Thank you. But no, I doubt it. Anyway, what’s on the itinerary for today?” She lightens the mood and her tone suggests she wants to be a part of their plans.

“Wouldn’t you rather spend time with your mom?” he asks, just as Abby walks up beside him.

“Oh, maybe I judged too fast,” Abby says.

Before she could continue, Clarke interrupts. “Sure, but we could all hang out together. My mom’s the best doctor in town. She’ll take good care of yours.”

“Your mother’s ill?” Abby frowns.

Hastily, Clarke explains the whole ordeal. From the cancer to the holiday he’d won for her, stressing just how great he is. Reddened, he nods along to her story. If only she knew how not-so-great he actually is.

“Well, Bellamy,” Abby smiles. “Your mother is very lucky to have you as a son. I agree with Clarke, it would be best if we do the activities in a group. You probably know by now how quickly her condition can change.”

Bellamy is well aware of that. “Okay then, so we’re going on a tour of Mykonos today. Mom can’t handle too much activity, so afterward we’ll just laze on the beach.”

“Sounds good to me,” Clarke agrees.

Covering her full mouth with a hand, Abby nods. The tour guide meets them in the lobby for the thronged day-trip. Bellamy is awed. Though it isn’t quite Athens, the history is remarkable. From the archeological sites and monuments to the beauty of the flowers and hills. His mother and Abby form an instant bond of their own as they trail behind him and Clarke. And the tour guide grows more agitated with his fact corrections and questions.

Clarke holds her father close by and lets him go bit-by-bit with a sometimes faltering smile. He holds her hand when she seems pained and laughs with her as she revisits elated memories. The girl fascinates him almost as much as the island. She always has. While their parents sit under the shade on the beach, they explore the waves of the crystal blue sea. Knowing his mother is in good hands, he loses himself in the blonde he’s been in love with for a long time.

After hours of splashing and swimming, they take a long walk on the beach. “What’s on your mind?” Clarke asks.

“My mom. This might be the last time she’ll fully enjoy herself and O’s not even here.” It’s the first time he refers to his sister as O, but the nickname still gives nothing away.

“I’m sorry,” she stops, takes his hands and looks deep into his eyes. “Would you rather spend time with her alone?”

“No,” he hastily corrects since this is probably his last week with Clarke too. “This is good. Great, actually.”

“Okay. If you’re sure. I’m sorry your sister can’t be here. So, my mom says there’s this amazing restaurant that we have to try. She wants you to join us.”

“Clarke.” The disappointment of not being able to afford anything beyond what’s included in their package seeps into his tone.

As if the girl can read his mind, she adds, “Our treat, we insist. And she wants to take both of you to Athens too.”

“No, Clarke,” he protests. “You guys should do it. You don’t have to take pity on us.”

“Bellamy, my mom works 24/7, she has no time to spend all the money she makes and by the looks of it, she’s forming a friendship with yours, which is rare for her. Humor me, please?”

Without answering, he leans down and presses his lips to hers for just a moment. When she doesn’t object, he leans in and kisses her, still as soft as before and it’s smooth as velvet. “Thank you.”

Slightly flustered she smiles. “I, uh, better go get ready for dinner.”

He stares after her as she walks towards the hotel. Dumbstruck. Unable to believe his luck.

 ******************************

Time with the Blakes’ pass way too quickly for Clarke’s liking. They spend their days together filled with boat rides in the wind, fishing lessons, aquariums, seafood dishes and lazy afternoons on the beach. Bellamy is like a teenager, in love for the first time, when the helicopter takes them to Athens to explore ancient Greece. But his giddiness stretches beyond that, they hold hands and steel lingering kisses when they have a chance alone.

Clarke can’t help the way her heart flutters in his proximity. He’s like a magnet drawing her closer. Somehow they still keep their usual rules intact. Most nights he takes his mom to bed after dinner and they continue their chat on Twitter until early hours of the morning.

On their second last day, Clarke reads a pamphlet about a party and brings it up over breakfast. “Apparently there’s a party on the beach tonight.”

Bellamy locks eyes with her. “You know I’d love to go with you but I can’t leave my mom, I’m sorry.”

“Aurora and I can have a movie night. I’ll look after her.” Abby suggests. “If you don’t mind?”

Aurora’s face lights up. “That sounds wonderful. Bell, you two should go, enjoy yourselves.”

“Well, if you’re sure, then it’s a date.” He looks to Clarke, the sadness replaced with excitement.

They try to spend as much time with each other as they can since it’s running out. But unfortunately his mother isn’t feeling well enough today, so he takes her back to their room to rest. Clarke’s heart breaks as she watches the older woman trying to hide her pain yet it is evident in all her features and limbs. And she wishes the fairy-godmother could heal Aurora.

Attempting to distract Clarke, Abby takes her shopping at the local market where everything is crisp, local, and flamboyant. Her afternoon is spent on the balcony, reading and basking in the place's beauty while her mother goes to check on the patient.  Just when she’s accepted that there would be no outing tonight, Bellamy shows up at her door. “Get ready, we’re painting the island red.”

“But what about your mom?”

“Your mom’s with her, she’s much better equipped to take care of her anyway.”

Clarke’s eyes widen as he steps inside. “Are you sure?”

“It’s our last night together. I’m positive.” He pulls her towards him and kisses her. It turns deep, fervent and drives signals to her core. It’s dusk, the sun is setting through the vast window and fills the sky with every shade of orange and pink. The air is briny but Bellamy smells fresh and manly like he’s just showered. Without thinking, she tugs at his shirt. “What are you doing?”

“I want to make the best of our last night together.”

He runs a finger along her face and she drowns his tender eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Mm-hm,” she nods.

At that, he pulls her dress over her head. Those big hands seize every inch of exposed skin and send heat pulsing through her entire body. When he wins the struggle with the clasp on her bra, he fondles her breasts, while his lips leave a certain promise on hers. She yanks his shirt off to expose his sculpted bronze chest. For a moment she only stares and so does he before he backs away.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“We shouldn’t.”

A moment ago he was all in and she doesn’t understand his reluctance. “Why not?”

“There’s a million reasons. You’re grieving. You’re on the rebound. We barely know each other. Like really know each other-“

She cuts him off by pressing a finger to his lips. “Do you want me?”

“More than anything.”

Wordlessly she walks over to the bed and pulls him with her. His eyes rake over her body as she lies down and removes her panties. “I want you too.”

He seems to have lost the argument with himself when he crawls over her. His mouth starts at her lips, moving downwards via a slow trail of kisses until it reaches its destination. It doesn’t take long for his skilled tongue and calloused fingers to float her away to another galaxy. Before she could even regain composure he teases her entrance, waiting for confirmation.

When she nods, he pushes inside and she’s momentarily jolted by the intrusion.

“You okay?” Bellamy cups her cheek. “I forgot about a condom.”

“I’m on birth control. I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Perfect.” Clarke smiles.

He starts thrusting. Slowly, like she’s made of porcelain and might break. Her heart swells at the emotion on his face and the thoughtfulness in his movements. They fit perfectly. Their actions in seamless harmony. It’s special, Clarke decides. They’re special. She’s feeling things she’s never felt before but pushes it out of her mind to be in the moment with him. It continues lazily for a long while.

“I’m close,” he says with a slight groan of pleasure before moving his thumb to her clit. Bellamy increases the pace and deepens his surges to hit her right where she needs it. Her second orgasm is even more intense and mind-blowing than the first. And by the look on his face and the sounds coming from deep within, so is his.

“Good?” he asks, slowly pulling out.

“Amazing,” she breathes.

They lie wrapped up in each other for a while before getting ready for the party. On the beach, he holds her close to him like he’s scared he might lose her. They get a little drunk on cheap Greek wine. Around the bonfire, dance music blast moving bodies circle them. But she sits in his lap with his arms enveloping her and at that moment, just the two of them exist.

“I want this. I want us,” she says. “I know we’re both going away to college but we can make it work.”

He beams down at her, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “We’ll figure it out when we get home. Let’s just enjoy this right now.”

******************************

Clarke is already missing Bellamy when she boards the plane. With his mom being sick, she didn’t get to see him after he walked her back to the room. She still doesn’t even have his number.

“Are you dating now?” her mother asks after a long silence.

“I guess. I don’t know. I’m feeling things, Mom. He doesn’t expect me to be strong or care when I break down. He knows exactly what to say when everything gets too much and have you seen him with Aurora?” She rambles, getting everything off her chest.

“Yes,” Abby nods with a knowing grin. “And you can feel the fireworks between you two from a mile away. But you’re going to different colleges. You said you were gonna visit your grandmother on the farm and he has a lot on his plate right now.”

“I think I might be in love with him.” Clarke looks down, almost feeling silly. He is right; they barely know each other. Because of their stupid rules, they’re very careful with the information they share.

“I know, baby. It might hurt but keeping it a holiday romance may be best. Aurora tells me his sister goes to school with you?”

Clarke’s head shoots up. “What? They’re from Arkadia? Who’s his sister?”

Her mother’s brow furrows. “You don’t know? She has a beautiful name, Octavia.”

“Octavia Blake, of course. She looks just like Aurora.” Clarke scoffs. “That might be a problem. She hates me. Like full-on cannot stand me.”

“All the more reason not to pursue this. Honey, you’re young. You have your whole life in front of you.”

Clarke looks out the window, ignoring her mother’s comment. What they have is real and no one else understands her like he does. She’s not letting him go. At all.

******************************

They’re barely home when Clarke gets Octavia’s address from some of her friends. Brimming with excitement, she hops in her car and drives to the Blake house. It’s modest yet well taken care of. There are no cars parked in the driveway, so she pulls in. A St. Bernard attacks her the moment she steps out.

“Hey, boy. Aren’t you beautiful?” She pets him.

The front door swings open and out comes Octavia, looking less than pleased to see her. “What do you want?”

“Hi, Octavia. Actually, I’m here to see Bellamy.”

The brunette studies her, walking closer. “Oh, yeah, I heard you’re the mystery girl. Only you’re not a mystery at all. Bellamy’s been in love with you for years. He’s got pictures of you on his computer; He checks up on you all the time. Compares all his girlfriends to you.” A mischievous grin spreads across her face. “Oops, he didn’t tell you. My bad. He’s too good for you, crawl back to your palace and go find one of your servant boys to toy with. My brother’s off limits.”

A cold creeps up her spine and into her veins until goosebumps erupt. _Bellamy’s been stalking me._ And suddenly it all clicks into place. Why he replied to her tweet and not the original. Why he was holding back the entire holiday. Why he avoided her after their perfect night. Why he never shared more than necessary. She runs back to the car, slams the door shut and stomps on the gas. Where to? She doesn’t know, only that she has to get out of there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy, why didn't you tell her?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we're at the end. Thanks to everyone who read and left comments and kudos. Brace yourselves, this is sad!

Four weeks later

Bellamy’s eyes follow the coffin being lowered into the ground. Taking a part of his soul with it. Octavia squeezes his hand tighter, her eyes red and puffy from crying. He wipes away his own tears that tumble out. Along with the soil, he throws ‘The Iliad’ in with her. In case she feels like reading on her new journey. The minister says something but he can’t hear anything above the turmoil in his head. Inside, he’s hollow and finally, Clarke’s words make sense.

He knew this was coming, yet nothing can prepare you for the heartache. Well, if he still has one left after Clarke ripped it from his chest. She disappeared into thin air without as much as a goodbye. He doesn’t know if she figured out his secret or if Octavia was right about her. Too late now anyway, his mother is gone and the one person he needed by his side, isn’t here.

At the reception, Abby spots him and crosses the room with wide arms to hug him. “I’m so sorry, honey. Your mother was an amazing person and so are you, because of her. If you and your sister need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.”

Ignoring the words he’s heard a million times today, he asks, “Have you heard from her?”

“No.” She shakes her head. “Still radio silence.”

“What am I missing here? We were good, she told me she wanted to be with me-“

Abby stops him. “Bellamy, you have more important things to focus on now.”

He can’t help but feel like she’s hiding something. It bothered him when he drove over there too. That day, that dreadful day hangs over him like a dark cloud ready to burst with the thunder.

_“What the fuck?” he shouts at the phone. “Where are you, Clarke?”_

_“What’s going on, Bell?” His mother walks into the room._

_“It’s Clarke.” He looks up, frowning. “I can’t find her on Twitter or any other site.”_

_Octavia appears in the doorway, arms folded across her chest. “Told you. That girl is bad news. She probably got bored, moved onto someone else and blocked you.”_

_“You don’t know what you’re talking about, O.” He grits his teeth to keep from lashing out._

_She huffs. “You think you know her, but you don’t. I’ve gone to school with her for four years. She thinks she’s better than everyone else. She uses people. Especially guys that fight for her attention. And when she’s done, she pushes them aside.”_

_“Octavia,” Aurora stops her. “That’s enough.”_

_His fists clench into balls. “Don’t talk about her like that. You know nothing about her.”_

_“Oh, and you do? How’s that? Did you get acquainted during the four years you admired her from afar, the few weeks you chatted unanimously or the week on holiday?”_

_“Octavia!” his mother shouts again._

_“You know about that?” He looks at his sister, feeling the fire in his cheeks._

_“You think I’m stupid?” Octavia grimaces. “Of course I do. I’ve seen the background on your laptop, I’ve seen you reading her tweets and you always stare at her when you come to a pep rally or drop me off at a school event.”_

_He feels like the biggest idiot on the planet. “It’s not like that.”_

_Aurora looks him straight in the eye. “Bell, have you been stalking the poor girl?”_

_“It sounds terrible when you put it that way.” He rakes a hand through his hair, sighing. “It’s not what it sounds like.”_

_“Well,” his mom pulls him in for a hug. “As long as it was innocent.”_

_“Of course, Mom. I just checked up on her. I wanted to introduce myself many times. But I’m a nobody and nobodies don’t stand a chance with Cinderella’s”_

_“Bell.” Octavia squeezes his hand with encouragement. “She’s not who you think she is. She’s not Cinderella, more like Maleficent. I know it hurts, but you’re better off without her.”_

_Aurora shakes her head. “That’s not the girl I saw. She was sweet, kind, caring, and so in love with your brother that she could barely function without him. And vice versa.”_

_“She’s the best in the drama club. Hell, she’s the best at everything. Trust me, I know.” Octavia throws her arms in the air and leaves the room._

_He looks at his mother. “Maybe she’s right, it would explain why she blocked me everywhere.”_

_“Only one way to find out.”_

_He drives to her house with stray tears slipping out. Anxiously, he knocks on the front door. Abby opens. “Bellamy?”_

_“Hi, Dr. Griffin. Can I please speak to Clarke?”_

_A deep crease forms between her brows. “I honestly thought she ran away with you.”_

_“What?”_

_“I popped into the hospital yesterday. When I came back, all her stuff was gone with a note saying she needs time and she’ll let me know that she’s safe. I’ve texted and called but her phone’s off.”_

_His eyes widen with shock. “Have you heard anything?”_

_She nods. “An email this morning saying she’s safe.”_

_“Will you please ask her to call me when she comes home?”_

_“Bellamy, I don’t think she is. She took all her stuff. Honey, it’s probably better this way.” There’s pity in her voice but her face is blank._

_With a slight nod, he turns and slumps back to the car. Defeated. She’s gone. Probably the price he has to pay for lying._

The world spins around him as the present returns. Miller catches his arm to steady him. “Hey, I think you need to sit down.”

His friend helps him to the couch and someone hands him a glass of water. Octavia. She sits down next to him. He holds onto her for dear life while both of them shake with sobs. At least most of the guests have left because he couldn’t hold it back any longer.

******************************

Clarke wipes her mouth on her way out of the bathroom. She walks down the hall into the old farmhouse kitchen with wooden cabinets, bright dishcloths, and old-fashioned jars. The floorboards creak with her footsteps. And the place smells like fresh herbs. Her grandmother is peeling carrots at the table when she enters. “Need some help, Nana?”

Amelia Griffin’s salt-and-pepper hair is neatly cropped. Her face showing lines of years in the sun. She wipes a hand on her bright blue apron. “Who’s the father?”

“What?” she asks in horror.

Amelia looks at her with skepticism. “You think I didn’t notice you’ve been throwing up for three days?”

Clarke falls down in a chair, banging her head on the table. “What am I gonna do? I don’t know how it even happened. I’m on birth control.”

“Some medications cancel them out and they’re not 100% effective anyway. It says so in the package insert.” It’s not judgment, only facts. It’s what Clarke loves most about her, the empathy.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Well, you didn’t answer mine.” Amelia jokes.

Thinking about the baby’s father hurts too much, she’d rather not and settles on, “Holiday fling.”

“Darling, you can give this baby up for adoption or we can help you raise him or her. The choice is yours but I hope you keep it, your heart is too big to let your own flesh and blood go.”

Clarke resists the urge to roll her eyes. “Nana, I’m supposed to start college in a week.”

“And?” she shrugs. “You definitely won’t be the first woman to walk around college halls with a preggy belly.”

“And after that, when I give birth?”

“Sweetheart,” she puts the vegetable down and reaches for Clarke’s hands. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You may have to negotiate with them to take some time off. You can come stay here, or your mom and I can go to you. You can do this.”

Money isn’t a problem. Her mother will be one when she finds out though. “Nana, I’m still a kid myself. How am I going to raise one?”

“I wasn’t much older than you when I got married and had kids.”

“Those were different times.”

She stands to rinse the carrots. “It doesn’t matter. I have faith in you, you should too. Are you going to tell him?”

“Who?” Clarke frowns.

“The father.”

Clarke looks down, fidgeting with her fingers. Bellamy is a liar and a stalker. He is exactly the same as all the other guys who perved over her. Those who see a pretty face, big breasts, popularity and wants a go at her. He doesn’t deserve to know his child. She can’t imagine how it’s true though. That smart, sensitive, caring, protective man she loves - because she has to face the fact that she still loves the person she thought him to be - cannot be who Octavia described. Yet there was no flicker of a lie in her face when she spat the truth.

Before she can answer, her gran asks, “Is he the reason for your tears every night?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” She gets up and turns to leave.

“Clarke, did he do something-“

She cuts in once she realizes what her gran is getting at. “No, Nana. I wanted to. He stopped, and I encouraged him. But he lied to me and I can never forgive him for that.”

Amelia’s mouth opens like she wants to say something else, but Clarke doesn’t want to hear it. So, she hurries out of the kitchen and into her bedroom. She takes out her camera and looks at all the pictures of their holiday. How something so perfect turned into such a big mess is beyond her. She touches her belly. “Hey, there, Lil bean. You and I, we’re gonna be happy. I promise you that.”

******************************

A week later, Clarke greets her grandmother and the farm. Saddened, she hits the long road to Polis U. She must find an apartment soon, but for now the dorm room will have to do. Her roommate’s not there when she arrives, although all of her stuff is already unpacked. Clarke studies the pictures against the walls, her eyes drop to the neatly made bedsheets, and the laptop set up on the desk. _Lexa._

There’s no doubt about it. She knew Lexa was attending the same college, but being her roommate is a surprise.

“Hey, stranger,” the familiar voice calls from the doorway. “This isn’t a coincidence, my cousin, Anya’s our RA, and I cashed in on a favor.”

“Why?” Clarke stares at her. “I mean I thought you were mad at me?”

“I was wrong, okay. I mean we both were, but maybe we can start over.” Lexa crosses the room to hug her. It’s a friendly _haven’t seen you in a while_ hug and Clarke embraces it. “How have you been?”

“Pretty much like a sine wave. You?”

The brunette flops down on the bed. “Good.” She shakes her head. “No, that’s a lie. I feel terrible for what I did to you. You were already down and out. But I was hurt too. You basically left me the day of the accident and confided in some girl you didn’t even know.”

“Turns out it’s a boy and I’m pregnant with his baby and I’m in love with him but he lied to me, so we’re on the out.” Clarke recites her summer like a picnic at the lake.

Her ex-girlfriend's eyes blow out of proportion. “What now? Are you serious? This all happened in a little over two months?”

“Yup.” She raises her eyebrows and starts unpacking her bags.

“What’s the plan, Clarke?”

With her back turned to Lexa, she says, “I’m keeping it if that’s what you’re asking.”

To Clarke’s complete surprise, Lexa responds with, “Let me help you.”

She flips around to look at her. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I wanna raise this baby with you. I still love you. I’m a lesbian and will have to adopt, anyway.” There’s an undeniable sincerity in her eyes when she sits up. “I’ll love your baby too. We can get an apartment when the time comes even get married if you want.”

Suddenly, raising the baby alone doesn’t feel so daunting. “You’d do that?”

“I checked out when you needed me most. This is my chance to make up for that.”

Clarke turns back to the task at hand. “I appreciate the gesture, but the risk is too high and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reciprocate your feelings.” She touches her stomach, knowing that every time she looks into her child’s eyes, she’ll see him and that hole in her heart will always remain.

“Clarke.” Lexa stops her. “I understand the risk. If it goes south, you can take your child and go, no questions asked. And are you really gonna tell me you fell so fast and hard for someone else that you can’t come back from it?”

“Yes, what we have… had, it’s irreplaceable. It’s a connection on a whole other level; actually, it’s inexplicable.”

“Then we do it as friends,” the brunette suggests.

Clarke notices the hope that rises in Lexa’s eyes. Selfishly, she agrees. “Okay, yeah.” Clarke smiles. “I wish my dad could’ve met his grandchild.”

Lexa pulls Clarke towards her and holds her tight for a long time.

******************************

At the six-week mark, Lexa holds her hand when they go to the first appointment. Everything is healthy. Clarke doesn’t tell her mother until three months when the chance for miscarriage has passed. Abby is furious, as expected, and they don’t talk for another couple of weeks. But Lexa makes good on her promise and assists with everything from baby shopping to craving aids and pregnancy apps. She’s there every step of the way. And Clarke’s grandmother calls in often too. The knitting has already started. Yellow and white because it’s neutral.

Morning sickness and fatigue pass after the first trimester, which is a huge help with classes and studying. She informs her lecturers; they’re all very understanding and willing to schedule special exams for her should she not be able to take the planned times. Apart from the gossip and condescending looks of her growing belly, the pregnancy goes well. At her five-month appointment, the OB-GYN tells Clarke, she’s having a girl.

The ride home is eerily silent. “What’s up?” Lexa asks.

“I have to tell him,” she says, not looking her in the eye. “It won’t change anything between us, but he has a right to know he’s having a little girl.” Lexa purses her lips and nods. It’s clear she doesn’t want this, but it’s not her decision to make.

On Christmas Eve, Clarke makes her way back home to Arkadia for the first time in months. The baby kicks while driving and she touches the spot where she feels the little foot. “Hey, Lil bean, it’s Mom. We’re going to visit your daddy. I don’t know how he’ll react but I know one thing, if he decides to be a part of your life, you’re one lucky girl.”

Avoiding her mother, she drives to Bellamy’s house first. There’s a blue minivan parked in the driveway and it looks slightly different than she remembers. The grass is longer and the curtains are darker. But she knocks anyway.

The door opens. “Hi, can I help you?” A tall redhead she doesn’t know, answers the door.

“I’m looking for Bellamy Blake.”

“Oh,” she smiles. “He sold the house to us a couple of months ago.”

“I see,” Clarke manages a small smile of her own. The realization that Aurora must be gone suddenly settles in. He must be devastated. When her father died, he was there and she couldn’t return the favor. “Thank you,” she adds over her shoulder.

Her mother’s not home when she arrives. Not surprising. She probably works even more now. Clarke tries to find Bellamy on social media, but there’s nothing. Not even a LinkedIn page. Even though she hates the idea, she sends Octavia a message on Twitter and Instagram. _I need to get in contact with your brother urgently. Please pass this message along. It’s very important._

At around eight that night, the front door clicks open while Clarke’s watching Netflix on the couch. “Hey, Mom,” she calls. “I’m in here.”

Abby almost runs over and takes her into her arms. “Hi, baby. Oh, it’s so good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too.”

“Look at you.” Her mother rubs her baby bump. “You look good.”

“Thanks. I’m still not giving her up for adoption.” Clarke says with a stern voice.

Abby’s eyes shoot up to meet hers. “It’s a girl?”

“Yeah.” Clarke smiles. “I’m having a baby girl.”

“Oh, honey.” Her mother’s voice is laced with concern. “Are you sure you’re up to this? You’re still so young.”

Avoiding the question, she asks, “Did Aurora die?”

Her mother sucks in a deep breath. “You went looking for him?” She cocks an eyebrow. “Yes, a few weeks after you left. She was still fine the one moment and gone the next.”

“She’s his child too. He has a right to know, and I thought you liked him?”

“Clarke.” Abby takes a seat next to her. “I do like him. This is exactly what I didn’t want for you. I saw the way you two looked at each other and it scared me. Something so intense at such a young age can be disastrous. You never told me why you left?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not going back to him; I just want to give him the option of being a part of her life. Lexa and I are getting an apartment, we’re raising her together.”

“Are you involved again?”

“No.” Clarke shakes her head. “As friends.”

Her mother’s quiet stare scares her. “You still love him?”

Blushing, she looks down. “I dream about him, or dad, almost every night. Do you know where he is?”

“No, he sold the house and left months ago.”

******************************

Octavia never responds to her messages and Clarke doesn’t try to find him after that. The last trimester is harder to cope with than the first. She can no longer fit into the lecture hall seats, her back constantly aches, and she barely gets any sleep with the discomfort of a huge stomach. In the end, she pulls through.

Little Madeline Aurora Blake, dubbed Madi, is born right before Clarke’s second-semester finals. Luckily, her support team ensures that she makes all of them. Holding that little blue-eyed girl in her arms is like waking up for the first time and realizing your life before that was only a dream. But it isn’t all that easy. Balancing a newborn and college is like taking on a tiger with bare hands. Somehow they make it work. And before she knows it, summer is upon them and they focus all their attention on the new addition to their family.

They visit her grandmother’s farm for a few weeks. Where they ride horses, stroll through the crops and help in the garden. Every afternoon, they take Madi out to nap under the big oak tree while Clarke sketches and Lexa reads. Clarke still can’t give her the relationship she deserves, though she never complains. She loves Lexa, but she’s no longer in love with her. Even the few times they sleep together, it’s more of a friends-with-benefits stress relief than anything else.

Madi’s own personality develops each day and Clarke can’t comprehend the joy little murmurs, sounds and movements bring to her heart. They find a nanny for the second semester and take turns watching her at night while the other studies. It works and Clarke is utterly grateful to Lexa for the sacrifice. Before long, it’s Madi’s first Christmas which they spend with Clarke’s mom since they were with Lexa’s family for Thanksgiving.

******************************

The sun has set, leaving only a few pink traces in the air as the night sky takes over its realm. Bellamy and Octavia are on the highway leading back to the place they left behind more than a year ago, along with its heartache and sorrow.

“Hey, Miller, we’re almost there,” Bellamy answers over the Bluetooth.

“Hi. Would you mind picking a few things?”

“No, not at all.” He flicks on his indicator to take the exit to Arkadia. “What do you need?”

“I need more rum and cream for the eggnog and-” His friend rambles off the ingredients.

Bellamy stops him. “Miller, can you text O a list? I’m still on the road.”

“Sure, okay.” He clicks the call off.

They hurry through the aisles of the store to get all the items until he comes around a corner and stumbles into a stroller. “Sorry.” He looks up and into those blue eyes that still haunt his dreams. “Clarke?”

Her body stiffens, her jaw clenches and her eyes almost pop out of their sockets. “Bellamy?”

“How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Can’t complain.” He looks down at the baby. “Cute kid. You babysitting?”

“Uh, yeah,” she nods. “For my cousin.”

“Bell, did you-” Octavia stops short when she spots the blonde. “Clarke Griffin, always a pleasure.”

Bellamy shifts his weight from one foot to the other, uncomfortable. He never told Clarke the truth. She doesn’t know they went to the same school. “Well, this is my sister, Octavia. But I guess you already know each other.”

“Sure do,” Clarke says with a hint of dismay. “Well, uh, we better get going. Merry Christmas.”

“Yeah, sure. Merry Christmas,” he repeats and then tugs at the baby’s chubby little cheek. “I bet you’re getting lots from Santa.”

Clarke tenses and pushes past him. “Bye.”

“Bye.” He waves and has to stop himself from asking for her number. A plan to drop by her house already forms in his mind.

They pay and run out to the car to escape the cold. Octavia’s suddenly quiet and jittery next to him. She fidgets with her phone, biting hard on her lip. There’s a weary expression on her face. “Oh, fuck,” she says.

“What did you forget?”

“Nothing. I’ve done something terrible,” she sighs, dropping her head to her hands.

“What, O? You’re scaring me.”

Still piercing her lip she looks to him with a slither of hope. “You and Clarke, did you sleep together?”

Bellamy’s head is scrambled eggs as he tries to make sense of his sister’s sudden apprehension. “That’s none of you-“

“Just answer the question!” she snaps before he can complete the sentence. “Is that a yes?”

With narrowed eyes, he stares at her and nods. A sinking feeling blooms as he grasps the reason for the question.

“That kid’s yours. About a year ago, Clarke sent me a message saying she had to talk to you about something important. I ignored her, thinking you’re better off without her. She never said what that was.” His sister’s eyes are wide, already pleading for his forgiveness.

“What the fuck, O? That was not your choice to make.”

“I’m so, so sorry.” Her words just above a whisper. She reaches for his hand but he pulls it away.

Bellamy’s furious, he can feel the heat rise all the way from his toes to the tips of his ears. Without turning the engine off, he drops Octavia at Miller’s and pulls out of the driveway in one swift movement. Flooring the gas pedal, he curses all the way to uptown Arkadia. The car’s barely parked when he runs to the front door of the Griffin house and hammers on it.

Abby opens, her face contorting with confusion. “Bellamy, what a surprise?”

Not in the mood for formalities, he says, “I need to speak to Clarke.” Trying his best to keep the rage out of his voice.

She steps outside, closing the door behind her. “Now’s not a good time, Bellamy. We have friends and family over for Christmas Eve.”

“I don’t have time for this.” He pushes past her and into the house. “Clarke,” he calls. She looks up from where she was giggling with someone, drink in hand and makes her way over to him. “We need to talk.”

Smiling politely, she says, “Sure.” And drags him down the hall and into a room that appears to be the study. “What are you doing here?”

He wastes no time. “Is she mine? And don’t even think about lying.”

She purses her lips, nodding.

The fury he felt before is nothing compared to the wrath of anger that threatens to burst out. “What the fuck, Clarke? How could you keep this from me? Don’t you think I would have liked to know I have a daughter?” Somehow a relentless tear slips out with the words. _I have a daughter._

There’s a layer of moisture in Clarke’s eyes as well, and he has to restrain himself from pulling her into his arms. “I couldn’t find you. You sold the house. Your profiles no longer exist. I contacted Octavia, but I heard nothing back.”

The excuse is nowhere near good enough. “If you really wanted to find me, you would have. You could have tried harder, but me knowing would have been an inconvenience for you, right? Because once you had your fun with me, you left. Well, guess what, princess, I have as much a right to her as you do.”

Clarke looks up. “Bellamy, I’m begging you. She’s in a routine and she’s happy. I take very good care of her, I love her, so much. Don’t do this, please?”

“Clarke.” A tall, skinny brunette girl peeks in the door. “Is everything okay in here?”

“Yeah,” Clarke nods. “Everything’s fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

He looks between the two women, so angry he wants to scream. Instead of prolonging the argument he says, “Have her ready tomorrow morning, she’s spending the day with me.”

Clarke scoffs, her face resembling horror.  “It’s her first Christmas and she doesn’t even know you.”

“Well, it’s time she learns to know me. I’m her father. But fine, I’ll pick her up at one. You can have the morning.” Without listening to any more of Clarke’s pleas, he storms out of the house. The cold air is slightly sobering, but there’s not much that can calm the animosity of learning you have a six-month-old child.

 ******************************

When Clarke wakes, she finds herself stuck in that moment where you know something’s wrong but the exact concern doesn’t come. It’s still dark out, Madi squeals in her crib, announcing her feeding time. She picks the girl up and nurses her while the memory of last night attacks.

Clarke’s not sure what caused the bigger pain her chest, seeing Bellamy again, the agony of his words or his threats for taking her daughter away. Not in the literal sense, he would never do such a thing, but now she must hand her over to someone she’s never seen. Everything he said was true though except for the part about why she left. Octavia definitely didn’t tell him about her visit.

Trying to push it away, she focuses on her daughter and gives her the best first Christmas possible. Although she doesn’t know what it’s about yet, she gets a ton of presents and they take an obscene amount of photos with her unwrapping gifts, sitting in her stocking, with a Santa hat and anything else that looks cute.

Their morning is filled with joy, laughter, and her grandmother’s pancakes. As the clock ticks by, Clarke’s heart rate increases. She packs Madi’s bags, pumps more breastmilk and writes a list of instructions.

“Are you seriously gonna let him take her?” Lexa asks while Clarke dresses Madi.

“I don’t have much of a choice. He is her father.”

“More like a sperm donor. You’ve heard nothing from him for a year and a half and now suddenly he wants to stake his claim.” Lexa disagrees, pacing the room.

“It’s not his fault. I left him without so much as an explanation and he’s right. I could have looked harder.”

“Dadadada,” Madi makes herself heard.

“Yeah, baby girl. You’re going to visit your dada today.” Clarke then looks to Lexa. “He’ll take good care of her. Don’t worry.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just do, okay,” Clarke argues. “Trust me.”

The knock on the door vibrates through her body. Letting go is even harder than she thought it would be. Bellamy’s waiting in the living room as she descends the stairs. Carefully, he takes Madi from her when they reach the bottom and his eyes light up. Those eyes that can portray a million emotions are now showcasing nothing but pride.

“What’s her name?” he asks with the brightest smile Clarke has ever seen.

Wiping the hair from her face, she blushes. “I uh, named her Madeline Aurora Blake.” His face darts up to meet Clarke’s eye. “I hope that’s okay? We call her Madi.”

“That’s more than okay. I… I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Clarke.” The anger he radiated last night has vanished and to Clarke’s surprise, he pulls her in for a hug. They resume the position for longer than necessary and from the corner of her eye, she sees Lexa retreat up the steps.

“Madz,” she says taking her tiny hand, the girl clutches her finger. “This is your daddy. He’s gonna take you with him for a little while and then he’ll bring you right back to Mommy.”

“Hi, Madi.” He holds her out to look at her. “We’re gonna have so much fun today. Aunty O and Uncle Miller can’t wait to meet you. And we have a surprise for you.”

Clarke gives him all the instructions, and he promises to have her back by five. She feels slightly more relaxed as she watches the way Bellamy cradles their daughter like she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

“Bellamy!” she shouts as they walk out the door. “My number’s on the list. Send me yours and updates as often as possible.”

“We’ll be fine, Clarke,” he calls over his shoulder and then mumbles something like, “Guess she didn’t read the letter, then.”

She places a hand over her heart to soothe that ache that comes with watching them leave before going back inside.

“So, that’s the boy responsible for all your tears?” her grandmother asks when Clarke sits down at the kitchen table with a sigh.

“I guess.” She doesn’t quite feel up to opening that can of worms.

“Funny.”

Clarke frowns. “What is?”

Amelia shrugs, pushing out her lips. “He looks at you like you hung the moon.”

“Oh stop it, Nana.”

“Just stating facts, darling. I read people, you know that. And you and that boy are gaga for each other.”

“Nana,” Clarke chides. “You can’t say things like that.”

“Last time I checked it was a free country,” she winks and takes her tea outside for what she calls her puff of air.

Abby and Lexa walk in, deep in conversation about politics. Her mother has always had a soft spot for the girl with high ambitions and astounding aspirations. She still doesn’t grasp their peculiar relationship. Neither does Clarke, she has given her an off-ramp exit many times before, still, she always declines the offer.

“Do you guys mind if I take a nap?” Clarke asks.

“Sure,” they say in unison.

“Oh and Mom, do you know anything about a letter?”

Abby shakes her head. “Are you expecting something, honey?”

“No, no. I thought I heard Bellamy say something about a letter.” She doesn’t know if she heard it correctly but if he sent one, it would have been to her mother’s address.

Abby stiffens and her brow furrows like she’s deep in thought. “I’ll ask Lorina to check but I don’t remember anything.”

Although her mother’s reaction seems off, Clarke nods. Her phone buzzes on the way to the bedroom, again… and again… knocking the current thought from her mind. There are three photos from Bellamy with himself and Octavia holding Madi. She’s smiling in all of them. _Yeah, Lil bean, you can’t help but warm to him instantly, can you?_

A few hours later, she wakes to a knock on her bedroom door. “Come in!”

“Say hi, Mommy. We’re back and we had the best time.” Bellamy says in the highest pitch he can manage.

“Hi, baby. Glad you enjoyed it.” She takes her girl from Bellamy to hold her tight.

“We should probably talk.” He sits down on the bed next to her.

“Yeah, we should. But can we do it tomorrow? I’ve got to get her bathed and fed and everything.”

“Yeah, sure,” he nods. “Can I take you out for coffee? Say at ten?”

Clarke smiles when he makes it sound like a date. “Sounds good.”

He stands to leave. “Bring Madi with. I’d love to see her as much as I can before we go home.”

“Of course.”

Once he's gone, her grandmother comes in bearing coffee, cookies and an envelope. “I wrestled it out of your mother after eavesdropping on your conversation earlier.”

“What is it?” Clarke raises her brow.

“The letter she’s been hiding from you for the last year and a half.” Amelia takes Madi from her arms. “Let’s give Mommy a minute, huh? I’ve missed you, anyway.”

She opens it, her heart pounding with a mixture of excitement and anxiety.

_Dear Clarke_

_I wish I could tell you this in person, but for some reason, you won’t speak to me. Now I’m not sure why, but I need to get this off my chest in case there’s any chance that what you told me in Greece was true. It was for me, all of it. Then again, I bet there are hundreds of guys and girls out there that feel the same way. I know from experience you’re impossible to shake._

_I lied to you and you have no idea how deeply sorry I am for that. Since the moment I first saw you, no one else existed. You helped a boy being bullied, victimized yourself for no reason other than compassion. There were rumors of you seeking attention but I saw you and that can’t be farther from true._

_Even if I sound like a stalker, I watched you. You were this princess, untouchable, beautiful and powerful. Only, I saw the Clark Kent (Griffin) that loomed behind the Superman persona wanting so badly to break free. I’m not sure why you felt like you had to keep up appearances. For your friends, your parents, or your reputation? All I wanted was a chance to break down that armor that surrounded the real girl inside._

_I always felt fiercely protective of you, even if we didn’t know each other. When others gossiped, I defended you. Then, when I went off to college, I only had social media to check up on you, to make sure you were okay, in the same way I did with my sister._

_There were so many football games or parties that I almost introduced myself, always had a speech prepared, but my knees buckled a few miles away, knowing our difference in background. Prince Charming wouldn’t have cast a second glance in Cinderella’s direction if she showed up in her scraps. If we didn’t meet the way we did, would you have taken any interest in me at all? In some way, I felt it fate that I accidentally replied to your comment that day._

_If we never speak again, I don’t regret getting the opportunity to peel away the layers you spent years building up. To save you from drowning. To show you the world will still love you when you’re just Clarke. And I love you, Clarke. More than anything._

_If you can find it inside yourself to forgive me, my number’s 901-445-3421. We’re moving to attend Alpha U since my mom died. I’m not sure where in the world you find yourself now or where you’ll be but I hope you’re happy._

_All my love_

_Bellamy_

The page is splattered with tears as she stares at it. She wants to yell at her mother for never giving her this letter. For not allowing her to be with the father of her child, the man that stole her heart in the split second she knew him. Ignoring every voice of reason in her mind, she grabs her phone from the nightstand and sends him a text.

**_Clarke:_ ** _I just read this letter I was meant to receive a year and a half ago. It made me realize I lost the love of my life._

**_Bellamy:_ ** _My sister just told me her own misperception is the reason I lost mine._

**_Clarke:_ ** _Wanna be my grieving anonymous friend? No specifics. No locations. No pictures._

**_Bellamy:_ ** _My name’s Bellamy Blake. I’m a history grad student at Alpha U. Part-time TA and bartender. I share an apartment with my sister and I just found out I have a six-month-old daughter which is the best news I’ve heard in a long time._

**_Clarke:_ ** _Clarke Griffin. Sophomore architectural student at Polis U. I have an apartment with my best friend who helps me take care of my baby girl._

**_Bellamy:_ ** _You know, Alpha U’s a great school. My bed’s big enough for two people and there’s a perfect spot for a crib in my room._

**_Clarke:_ ** _Yeah?_

**_Bellamy:_ ** _Yeah._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/girlobsessed21) or [Tumblr](https://girlobsessed21.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If there's enough interest, I might write an epilogue.


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised this a long time ago, I just didn't know how I wanted it to end, but I've finally written the epilogue. Hope you enjoy.

Clarke hugs Lexa goodbye. “Thank you for everything. For helping us move, for taking care of us. Just everything. You have no idea how much it means to me. I don’t even know how to thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure, Clarke. Besides, I have Costia now, and I have Madi to thank for that.”

When Lexa told Clarke that Madi’s playgroup teacher has asked her out, it was such a relief to find that at least all Lexa’s help paid off too. They’ve only been on two dates, but it seems to be going well.  “You really like her, huh?”

“Yeah, she’s amazing and beautiful and she’s so good with the kids.”

“I get it,” Clarke laughs. “She’s everything you want. But you better come visit us every once in a while.”

“Of course, that little blue-eyed girl still owns my heart. I better get home, Costia and I are going ice skating tonight,” Lexa says, pulling Clarke in for another hug. “Take care of yourself, kid. I’m glad you found your happily ever after.”

“There’s your mommy.” Bellamy comes running out of the apartment building with Madi on his hip. “She’s just saying bye to Lexa. You wanna give her another hug goodbye too?”

The girl makes a funny noise when Lexa pulls her from her dad. She cradles her against her chest and says, “Ah, I’m gonna miss you so much, but I’ll be here as often as I can. Promise.” Then hands her back to Clarke. They wave goodbye, watching Lexa find her way back to her car.

“So,” Bellamy says. “Should I order a pizza and then we can unpack?”

“Sounds good. Lots of unpacking to do.”

They take the elevator back up to the apartment. Boxes, furniture, and toys are haphazardly stacked all around the rooms. Clarke bites her lip with nerves she can’t quell. “Can we set Madi’s crib up first, I have to put her down for a nap.”

“Of course, you sit, relax, and I’ll take care of that for you.”

Clarke looks around. It’s a spacious and modern apartment that Bellamy bought after he sold their house, but she feels like a Dinosaur in the city in the place she’s about to call home. No idea where to sit or stand or what to do.

“Come here.” Bellamy pulls her towards the couch. “I want you to think of this as yours. You don’t have to ask permission for anything, you do whatever you want, whenever you want.”

“What about Octavia?”

“Bell’s right.” Octavia walks in. “Maybe I was too harsh a judge before. You’re family now and I’d like to get to know the girl my brother sees.”

Clarke’s smile is automatic. Octavia is the one thing that has been bothering her about their new arrangement. “I’d like that too.”

“Good. So, how about a spa day as soon as all this is unpacked. It’ll give Bell and Madi some time to bond too.”

“Perfect.” Clarke looks to Bellamy. “You okay with that?”

“Sure, I’d love that.”

Once Madi’s down for her nap and their bellies full of pizza, the three of them dig into the boxes. Clarke only packed the necessities, leaving most of the furniture and other items for Lexa and her new roommate. Since Bellamy gave her free rein, she hangs her photos and paintings where she deems fit and creates a play corner for Madi’s toys in the living room.  As he said, she makes it hers and he doesn’t bat an eyelid.

Exhausted, she flops down onto the bed. Bellamy enters after his shower with damp hair and a few drops of water running down his skin. They haven’t quite discussed their dynamic yet but they know they still love each other. His tan muscles bulge out from under the grey shirt he’s thrown on, causing her insides to constrict. She is so horny, but there’s a sleeping baby next to her.

“This is sort of awkward,” he says. “Do you want me to crash on the couch for a while until we get back-“

“No,” she cuts him off. “Sorry, I’ve missed you for so long. I don’t want to miss you anymore. Unless?”

Bellamy lies down beside her and pulls her towards him. “I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe you’re mine. I’ve never stopped loving you, not for one second.”

“Me neither,” she whispers, pushing her lips against his. It’s a chaste kiss. “I thought about you every night. And every time I looked into my little girl's eyes, there you were.”

He cups her face and brings it closer before they melt into each other. He tastes like mint. The kiss is slow, tender and perfect. “I know we’ve done things completely unconventional, so do you wanna get married tomorrow?” he jokes.

“Absolutely,” she murmurs against his mouth. The moment, filled with passion and desire is quickly interrupted by a crying baby.

“I’ll get her.”

“Thanks.”

Bellamy picks Madi up, then soothes her before handing her to Clarke to breastfeed.  The two of them together start fireworks in her heart; they’re a family now. A real one. He turns around while Clarke lets Madi latch onto her breast. “Were you serious?” she asks.

“No, but I’d like to take you out on a date, just the two of us, if that’s okay?” He turns back.

“Would Octavia mind watching Madi? Is she any good with kids?” Clarke wants to agree, but she’s hesitant to leave her daughter with a stranger, even if it is her aunt.

“If you’re not comfortable leaving her with O yet, then we take her with or we chase Octavia out of the apartment and have a date here.”

Clarke smiles, nodding. “Yeah, I think that’s better.”

Bellamy stares at the two of them so intensely Clarke can feel herself blush. “Do you have any idea how full my heart is right now?” he asks, walking over to plant a kiss to her hair.

“I think I have an idea.” With her free hand, she reaches for his and squeezes. “I’m glad I came.”

“So am I.”

They’ve agreed it’s only for a while until they can buy a house with an extra bedroom and a garden where Madi can play when she’s older, though the joy that washes over Clarke in that moment is more than she could ever need.

**Author's Note:**

> I always love to hear your thoughts. You can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/girlobsessed21) or [Tumblr](https://girlobsessed21.tumblr.com/).


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